Fartastic (and other words we really need)

Fartastic is actually word. It apparently means the relief experienced after a particularly good fart. As useful as that is, I’d like to propose a new definition: the sarcastic fartastic. Similar to the deadpan “fantastic”– when things simply aren’t – this new meaning will go beyond typical irony-inspired sarcasm to capture those moments that are truly fatuous (or even fartous, I mean why stop at one “f” word?...).

We’re highly skilled at conveying what we think by using our bodies and hands … but our main method of communication is still language. Yet it can often feel like we’re constrained by a lack of words. I remember being in awe of my university lecturer who said that the Inuit have many words for “snow” and, despite its significance in our lives, English has very few for “love”. I thought he was the most brilliant and amazing man until I discovered he’d stolen that insight from Margaret Atwood… Uh-huh. Is there a word for that type of disillusionment?...

Plagiarising other people’s ideas aside, there are words in other languages that we simply don’t have in English - words that manage to concisely capture feelings, emotions and occurrences. And while I’m someone who often doesn’t finish sentences let alone find the right word, I still love to discover new words. (Although sometimes I wonder if I’m rediscovering words I’ve already discovered and then forgotten – is there a word for that?…) There are also some seriously bizarre words that have recently been added to the English language. And many more words that haven’t been added, but should be.   

My favourite words we don’t have in English include the German word Verschlimmbesserung, which is a solution or improvement that actually makes things worse... Yep, we’ve all been there. Shemomedjamo, which is Georgian for when you eat something because it’s so delicious even though you’re full. It translates to “I accidentally ate the whole thing.”  And kummerspeck, which translates to “bacon grief”, and means gaining weight from eating to feel better.  

In terms of new words, I have just discovered resistentialism. Initially a “joke word” it nevertheless captures that spiteful nastiness exhibited by inanimate objects. Think computers shutting down randomly, and cords and cables knotting themselves when you’re not looking. Although my new favourite is kakistocracy which means government by the worst people. A fantastically applicable word (and somehow onomatopoeic!).

Then there are the stupid new words. Well, maybe stupid isn’t the right word… And I should say that fartastic is listed as a word only in the “Urban dictionary” and not the Oxford dictionary (which may be the more “official” guide). However, these words have been listed in the Oxford dictionary: MacGyver (as a verb), swole, butthurt and awesomesauce...  I need a word to describe my shock, horror and the tinge of shame I feel that these can actually be words. To MacGyver means to come up with a solution or fix by using what is available. For example, he MacGyvered a mechanism to dissuade his son from sucking his thumb by taping it with duct tape and inserting a nail at the top... Swole just gives me cold shivers and is essentially using the already existing “swollen” incorrectly. Here is an example sentence from the Oxford online dictionary: “her eyes was so swole you couldn’t see what color they was”. I feel the same about butthurt, which refers to an over-the-top feeling of being wronged (maybe I feel butthurt at the inclusion of swole?). And awesomesauce. Really? It’s supposed to reflect how great something is. But having worked with a colleague who regularly used the phrase, and watched the episode of Parks and Recreation where Andy used the term, I can honestly say “that is not a good word people!”

It’s not that I don’t think we need new words - just perhaps not those ones. Instead, here are some words that I do think we could use: Textpectation, that sense of anticipation when waiting for a text; Nonversation, essentially pointless small talk (I probably like this because I’m so bad at it); and unkeyboardinated, when you can’t type without making mistakes. I’m not clever enough to come up with any actual new words, but here is my personal list of what I think we need words for:

1. The regret felt after saying something to your partner that immediately causes a fight.
2. Excessive worry about what your child will do with their life (and they’re not even a teenager)...
3. The obsessive compulsive desire to check Facebook every three seconds.
4. The kids having showers every day but the soap remaining so unused it’s completely dry and cracked.
5. That moment of angst as you watch an object fall (like when you drop your library book/phone in the bath).
6. When you imagine hypothetical scenarios (what might happen) and then get really angry or sad about what you’ve just imagined…
7. When you put your breakfast down and the cat starts to eat it.
8. Your children asking you something then walking off mid-explanation.
9. When you’re in a relationship, the things that automatically become “his” jobs that he fails to notice.
10. When you say something and get ignored, but then someone else says the same thing and they get listened to.

What’s on your list?