I would love to be
healthy. I’m not totally unhealthy. But I feel I could do more. And I’m
surrounded by the constant message that I should
be doing more. TV advertisements, newspapers and magazines, they all seem
to be peddling the message that the human race has been diverted down a path
lined with fatty and sugary foods with the finish line at the lazy couch of
sloth. I made the mistake of buying a sports top and now receive constant emails
suggesting I increase the intensity and duration of my workouts. Unfortunately,
I find that my attempts at improving my health are either misguided or
downright dangerous. Take yoga, for example...
I love yoga. I love
the idea of yoga. I love how I feel after yoga. It’s just that I can’t breathe
during yoga. Yoga makes me fart. There. I said it. I got it out of my system
(as it were…). There is something dreadfully co-incidental about reaching,
stretching and loosening the digestive tract. Some moves are diabolical. I mean
who can do the extended hand to toe pose (holding your foot and raising your leg
in the air) without causing a
back-end blowout?
I always found that once
a bottom burp was brewing, it required enormous concentration not to let it
leak. There you are with feet, arms and arse all in the air at different times
trying to breathe, pose and ultimately relax. It’s a highly disciplined body
that can add “hold in fart” to that mix. Yet while I would leave my yoga class
slightly bent over and with terrible tummy trauma, other people wouldn’t, if you know what I mean… And the only
thing worse that your own excruciatingly awful fragrance being let lose during
yoga, is somebody else’s.
Being active and
heathy is often harder than it seems. There’s the lack of time and general daily
exhaustion that can limit healthy endeavours. And then there are those dreadful
scenarios: the things that go horribly bad when we’re trying to be good. For
example, combining high fibre drinks with a Zumba class is just asking for
trouble… And as an accident as well as fart-prone person, I have to be doubly careful. I used to love skipping, but gave up because
of the number of times I hit myself in the face with the rope. I also tried a
couple of energetic aerobics classes (sorry, Bodystep) and discovered I was
insanely uncoordinated and couldn’t follow instructions. And I don’t go jogging
in public for everyone’s benefit…
However, what maybe
even worse than flailing limbs, bruises and the noxious fumes caused by rectal
turbulence, are the “heathy” things we do and later discover they’re not. Raw
eggs anyone? That Rocky inspired health craze of the 1980s. Although watch out
for the salmonella… And there are some incredible fad diets: eating only carrots,
the grapefruit diet and uh, eating clay... Yummo.
The other day, in an
attempt to improve myself, I watched a documentary on sugar. It confirmed a lot
of what I already knew, such as the prevalence of ridiculously ironic products
like “health drinks”. But I was disturbed to discover that there are high
levels of sugar in foods we’re told are healthy – especially those described “low-fat”.
Sigh. The documentary left me a bit confused about what was healthy to eat.
Certainly not all the “health foods”... But fat seemed to come out the winner.
So it IS ok if I always eat chips for lunch?... Is salt ok now too? Attempting to be healthy has never seemed so vexed or fraught. With conflicting advice peppered with our own anxieties, approaches and varying tendencies to cut the cheese… All up, I think my favourite epic health fail comes from my grandmother. She always seemed to be balancing her love of food with the latest advice on why not to eat it. And once (with the help of her sister) ate an entire tin of sweetened condensed milk in an attempt to prevent further sugary cravings. Um… yeah, nice try grandma…
All in all, when working
out how to be healthy, I find myself drawn to the research that says coffee,
chocolate and alcohol are all good for you... But ultimately I think I’ll
follow the advice on a poster my sister once had: “I’ve read so much about the
dangers of smoking, drinking and overeating that I’ve decided to give up
reading”… Probably the safest choice.
No comments:
Post a Comment