I don’t intentionally
live my life inside outside upside down. It just seems to happen. A lot. I’m
insanely clumsy. I frequently do the opposite of what I’m trying to achieve. I
get words round the wrong way. And I blurt out the wrong thing. To the wrong
person. A lot.
I’m the queen of
banging into things. Doorways, tables, people. My peripheral vision is
dreadful. Sometimes I think there’s something wrong with my whiskers. And yes I
do need glasses. I’m usually wearing them at the time. I also accidentally
throw objects. I’ll pick something up and rather than hold it in my hand, like
any normal person, I’ll let it go mid-swing. I’ll even accidentally bat things
away while trying to pick them up. And when I’m reaching into a drawer, I’ll
bash my unsuspecting fingers into the side or other objects. I find yelling and
swearing helps…
I’m also very good at being
distracted. I have this incredible capacity to be going through the motions
while thinking about something else entirely. But unlike most people who can do
this quite convincingly, I stuff it up completely. I have been known to make
myself a cup of tea and a cup of coffee at the same time (I wanted coffee). If
I’m carrying two things, recycling and rubbish for example, I will absolutely put
the wrong one in each bin. Even if I try and control my natural urges (to be
completely backwards) by doing one thing at a time, I’ll still get it wrong. I’ll
carry an armload of washing past the laundry and into the lounge, where I will
inevitably stand blinking uncertainly for a few seconds trying to remember who
I am and what I’m doing, wait for the moment of enlightenment then walk back
through the house the way I just came...
Being clumsy and
distracted is apparently something you can fix. It’s considered by some as the sign
of a sluggish brain. (Great.) Clumsiness and distraction are also exacerbated
by stress. That’s likely in my case. I find if there’s constant low level worry
in my mind, or if something big is actively bothering me, I’ll be worse than
usual (and usual is bad enough). Also, unlike those who love being the centre
of attention and who seriously adore the limelight, I’m far more likely to
stumble over my words or even tumble down the stairs if I think anyone is
looking my way. Apparently, you’re also more likely to be clumsy if you’re
attempting to do too many things at once or too quickly. Again, that’s me. Developing
a more mindful approach, improving memory and speeding up the brain’s reaction is
apparently the key here. So maybe there
is hope for the habitual daydreamer, the permanently pre-occupied and those
suffering “chronic inattentiveness”.
Although I was
slightly disheartened to also learn that physical clumsiness is connected with overall
mental clumsiness, including what you say. In a questionnaire designed to determine
the level of individual “cognitive failure” (aka clumsiness) was this question:
“Do you say something and realize afterwards that it might be taken as
insulting?” Well in my case that’s an absolute yes. Although it’s more like to
be did you say something and realise as the words were coming out your mouth that it might be taken as insulting…
Blurting out unwelcome
truths has become an unfortunate way of life. I once told a proud new mother
that her designer, expensive and very impressive pram looked like a tent. I
actually intended to pay her a compliment. I didn’t. On another occasion I
managed to offensively tell my Japanese friend that our children playing in the
park looked like Kamikaze pilots... I never EVER refer to Kamikaze pilots. Why
brain, WHY?...
Ultimately, despite my
many and obvious failings, I’d like to think of myself as the stylishly
eccentric type. Odd but “in a good way” - managing to be off-beat and off-centre with style and panache. I’d like to think that
but I’d be wotally tong. Another topsy turvey trait. Getting words the wrong
way round. Transposing letters is called a Spoonerism (you can transpose the
first letter or even parts of the sounds). It’s named after William Archibald
Spooner. And no we don’t name people like we used to… And if you’re wondering, like me, how on earth
someone gets the surname Spooner… it comes from manufacturing or using curved roof
tiles, but I gridess…
Spoonerisms can be
insightful and witty. Bet you can’t say knucking fackered without snickering…
but mine are usually silly and make me sound drunk, at 2 in the afternoon. I’ve
always been verbally challenged. Possibly my brain’s tendency to race and my
tongue’s inability to keep up. As a child I remember excitedly announcing to my
friend that we were having mippie and charmite sandwiches for lunch. And on one
dreadful occasion at work I accidentally referred to colleagues and Blowass and
Lulia. Although that was possibly Freudian as well…
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